This guide is intended to give you a few pointers towards improving your communication skills and hopefully your relationship. It is also to reassure you that some of the ways you may react or behave in tense situations with your partner are often normal!
Whilst we strive to make our relationships a secure and nurturing base from which to draw emotional and physical support, we must also constantly adapt and respond to life’s ever changing realities. We all evolve in mind, body and spirit as we mature and therefore in almost every relationship there needs to be 2 key elements: communication and boundaries (and both are variable).
It is easy to forget that your whole body is effectively a functioning machine and for it to operate at an optimum level, all components need to be in working order. Your general well-being plays an important part in your ability to think, act and communicate effectively. Therefore it is important to manage your health, fitness, general stress levels and self-esteem.
Negativity in one part of your life can have a knock-on effect. It is important to remember that whether you’re male or female, being emotionally articulate can be difficult, particularly if your feelings are confusing, ambivalent or you only partially understand them.
The issues that you will face in a relationship can be intensely personal, such as the way you make love, the degree of intimacy you have and whether you are honest with one another. Failing to communicate your needs or listen to each other can make small issues build up into major areas of conflict.
When talking about your feelings it is best to be sensitive to the other person, particularly as their family/relationship background could affect their own sensitivity and ability to communicate and respond. Essentially, partners in a relationship need to take responsibility for their feelings and should at least try to communicate them constructively regardless of whether they are positive or negative.
How to Avoid Anger and Conflict
- Stay Cool - Try to avoid accusatory comments, harsh words and criticism. Be aware of body language and try not to send signals that would make your partner defensive. Talk in a calm, quiet and controlled manner.
- Words You’ll Regret - Bombarding each other with insults, shouting over each other or using aggressive words and actions will only alienate yourself from your partner.
- Attacking The Ego - Do not undermine your partner’s self-esteem in order to accentuate your point of view. This will result in your partner feeling hurt and they will begin to cut you off and will not be able to hear.
- Stalemate - Avoid. Nothing more can be resolved and this shows that you have failed to communicate and listen. Whilst things between you may be normal for a while, the attack will soon begin again.
- Don’t Use Verbal Tactics - Sarcasm is an example of a verbal tactic. Using the sarcastic tone be-littles a situation and shows a disinterest in finding a rational resolution.
- Listen Without Judgment - Take it in turns to discuss your feelings and needs. Remember to use ‘I’ not ‘You’ when talking as it shows that you are taking responsibility for how you feel.
Always Listen and Avoid Criticism
Finally, In order to explain your needs and opinions clearly, allocate time, in a clam, quiet environment where you won’t be interrupted. Enter the discussion with an open mind and heart and release all pent up tensions by breathing deeply and relaxing before hand. Possibly sit either side of a table, as it represents neutral area between you. Then begin talking, taking it in turns to speak and without interrupting each other. Avoid provocation and accusation and take cues from body language. Aim to negotiate a solution which encompasses the wishes and needs of the both of you. Easier said than done, we know.
At least you are making the effort and taking a step forward rather than burying your feelings and only setting you back even further. It should be a mutual search to try to understand and support each other, respectful of the needs of both the individual and the relationship. It takes courage to talk about your feelings honestly and to take responsibility for them, and diligent awareness to locate the true source of your emotions and unhappiness. It needs respect and empathy to listen carefully to what your partner is saying without immediately feeling threatened or needing to defend your corner’ (from ‘Loving Sex’ by Nitya Lacroix).
Should you require any further help, we would like to refer you to the organisation, ‘RELATE’, who offer counseling and therapy services. For further info either contact Sinsins or visit www.relate.co.uk. Remember that mediation is not an admission of failure, it shows strength and courage to take positive steps to solve relationship problems.
This guide is for general information only. We are not health professionals, but we do care. Always consult a professional!